


Love leaves Scars

by MarsSoccer



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:40:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8370931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsSoccer/pseuds/MarsSoccer
Summary: Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go. Bernd takes a while to realise that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have decided to delete my last two works and create this from them. I hope this reaches you exceptions and as always comments/kudos are always welcomed!

Bernd never knew how or why he kept getting himself into these kind of situations. He knew love made you blind but he didn't know it robbed of your common sense. And the fact he no longer had any common sense left was probably the reason he was sat on his bed crying his eyes out, staring at a letter that only served to remind him of what he had lost. He wipes away the tears that just don't seem to stop falling and reads the letter again and he can feel his heart break again into even smaller pieces.

* * *

 

_Bernd,_

_What am I supposed to say? That I love you? I wish I could but I can't. I won't give you false hope._

_It's not like I never loved you. I did. There was a time when you were my sun - everything I did revolved around you._

_But the thing is, I don't love you anymore, Bernd. It's strange. When I walked out that door I wanted to go back straight back and for ages afterwards I felt like a part of me was missing. I didn't think I'd miss you but I did. But now I don't miss you anymore. Now I'm whole._

_The thing is Bernd, you don't have to go back to what you miss. Sometimes you just have to keep missing it until you don't miss it anymore._

_I'm happy now, Bernd. My life is going great and I finally know what I want to do with myself and my plan doesn't include you._

_I hated being in love with you, but I loved loving you. I know I don't make sense but you'll understand._

_I loved you more than I should and that scared me, Bernd. It really did._

_I love you but not in the way you want me to._

_I know you loved me Bernd but all good things must come to an end and that's what happened to us._

_But just remember;_

_I loved you - when it was easy and when it was hard. I wish I still did but times change._

_I wish you all the best in the future._

_(And I know this a really shitty way to break up with you, so I'm sorry for that too.)_

_Marc x_

* * *

 

It hurts. God it hurts.

It was only supposed to be some casual fucking. That was all it was meant to be. But somewhere along the line, Bernd fell for Marc and his stupid two first names and his stupid hair and his stupid grin that made Bernd melt on the inside.

Okay Bernd.  
Stop.  
Breathe.  
It's okay.

But it wasn't. And Bernd knew it. Here he was broken down and in pieces; crying over something that he knew was doomed from the off, while the cause of all his pain was probably in Barcelona happy and not screaming for once.

'I'll be by your side until the stars call me home,' Marc had promised at the very beginning when everything was going great, when everything was perfect.

That's all he wants now. To go back to when everything was fine between them and when he pictured his future; he saw himself with Marc ( but he can still see himself with Marc right now but at least then it seemed practical).

They were star-crossed lovers and like all star-crossed lovers - their love didn't last or rather it couldn't last.

Dreams are dangerous, his grandma once told him but Bernd disagrees. Memories are the real dangers, he thinks. He would have preferred to dream everything with Marc and know it was just his imagination. But instead at night, his brain subjects him to memories of him and Marc - never bad memories though. He wishes it did because he can deal with those.  
But no, his brain gives him happy memories, like when Marc finally told him he loved him and when Marc showed him the place where he grew up or when Marc told him he could only see his future with Bernd.

But he always wakes up to find there is no pleasure in waking not without Marc there.

It hurts. It hurts so bad. And the worst thing is that he can even have the one thing that will stop the pain.

It hurts. God, it hurts.

* * *

Life drags for Bernd. There's no other way of putting it. He goes to training and pretends that everything is okay but as soon he enters the four walls that make up his house, the facade disappears and he is transformed into a weeping mess. He hates himself for it. He really does. He's stronger than this; he knows that. It disgust him, how low he's sunk all because of a boy.  _Not just any boy,_ his brain reminds him. And that's true he supposes - Marc isn't just any boy; he's far from it. Marc is the boy that held his heart in one hand and crushed it as if it was nothing. And it hurt and it makes him  _angry_ and  _sad._ And he wants Marc to know how he feels, so he writes him a letter.

_Marc,_

_Every time I see you, it reminds me of what we had. Our relationship was nothing like the ones described in the novels and I'm glad for that. We disregarded social norms and wrote our own rules but at night I wonder - if we had followed the rules, would I be sitting here with a broken heart writing this letter?_

_Our story was a story of almost. God, I hate that word. Almost means you are close but just not enough. And if there is one thing I learnt from us, it's that I am never enough._

_I love you so much, but I hear this voice whenever I think of you, think of us. It keeps telling me that if you truly loved me, you would have tried harder to stay._

_Everyone says that you'll come back and when you do I'm supposed to turn you away. But I know I won't - I can't. Even though I swore to you I would never let you back in - I'm standing here with my arms wide open and I would wrap them around you in a heartbeat if you let me._

_When you left, I told everyone that I regretted our relationship - I regretted loving you. That was a lie - I know that now. I don't regret loving you, nor will I ever. What I do regret though is letting you steal my heart and believing that I stole yours too._

_I didn't want to believe you when you said you didn't love me but if I want to move on that I have to accept it. But the thing is I don't want to move on because I still believe we can make it work. I still believe that we are meant to be._

_I love you, Marc and I always will. And remember, there was a time you swore the same to me._

_Bernd xx_

He doesn't send it in the end. Maybe because his pride won't let him or maybe he's not ready to open himself up to rejection yet again. He know the reason and he doesn't really care. All he knows is that the letter sits in his drawer tucked under layers of clothes.

 

 

* * *

Bernd loved painting. He had taken to it as a way to calm him down. He painted whatever came to his mind and that was almost always Marc.

He painted Marc as so many different things; he was a loving prince in one, an evil god in another. He was everything good and evil all at once. He kept all the paintings of Marc in his spare room ( it had used to be their room) and whenever he was angry, he would go there and destroy his paintings - just as Marc had destroyed their relationship. And whenever he was done, all the anger and sadness would disappear, only to be replaced with an horrible emptiness.

Bernd didn't know what was worse; feeling everything at once or nothing at all.

You're not supposed to go back to what has hurt you, Bernd knows that. But he's sick and tired of feeling angry then sad and this nothingness. He wants to feel happy again and he wants to feel loved. He knows he should stay away from Marc but knowing and doing are two very different things. Marc will only hurt him - will only break him, he said so himself.

But Bernd is young and if Marc breaks him again, well he has the rest of his life to put himself back together.

He's not thinking with his brain but nobody in love ever thinks with their brain. They follow their heart and when their heart get smashed into tiny, little pieces and they don't know which piece to follow they start to follow their brain again.

So he sends Marc a text that says:

Mine, 27th - sound good?

He waits and waits for a reply. And then he realised that maybe Marc has gotten on with his life and he doesn't need him anymore nor does he want him because who would want someone like him?

But then his phone buzzes and there is a text from Marc:

Sure. Flight at 10 am.

All Bernd can think of is his grandma telling his mother that 'you can't play with fire and not expect to get burnt'.

Bernd is playing with fire and yes he will get burnt, but he doesn't care because he knows he'll have a lifetime left to heal.

* * *

Months later when Marc calls the whole thing off again and Bernd is sitting on his bed yet  _again,_ wondering how he could be so stupid Marc will write and send another letter that will make Bernd realise that Marc isn't the one. He'll take the letter and tape on his bedroom door and forces himself to read it until he realise that Marc is toxic for him.

And finally, he'll let go and move on with his life.

(He still has the words of the letter memorised).

_Bernd,_

_Everyone says humans are strong and they can come back from anything, but I'm not so sure. I think humans are fond of make themselves seem unstoppable, unbreakable. But we're not._  
_We are fragile, delicate, must handled with care. We get hurt once and spend the rest of our lives trying to stich the wound shut. And more often than not, we don't succeed._

 _We weren't supposed to love each other; yet we did. We knew it was dangerous but still we loved._  
_We destroyed what could have been a masterpiece._  
_Why did we do it?_

 _I guess because we were young and dumb._  
_And we knew if we started bleeding now, we'd have the rest of our lives to heal._

_I will always love you. Always. But I have to stay away from you. Because I'll only ruin you._

_Love,_

_Marc-Andre Ter Stegen_

_P.S - You'll always be my favourite ' what if'._

 


End file.
